you realize you've been in denial for the past eight months. You keep thinking to yourself that things will work out because...you're a dreamer, an optimist, a hopeless romantic. You wanna believe it so bad, but you always knew somewhere in the deepest darkest corner of your heart that it may just not work...

That deep dark area is growing a lot bigger...and it hurts...really bad.

You have the same conversations and the same arguments, but nothing really changes. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. So what do you do? Do you stay because you believe things will work itself out? Do you stay because you're comfortable...because you're afraid of the future and the unknown? Do you take the chances of leaving and hope things will pick up in a few years where you left it? Will things still be the same? Is this a taste of what is to come when worse issues arise? 

You knew it was a challenge from the get-go. Are you giving up too easily? Are you trying too much and should this be a sign that it's time to move on? Are you wrong to think a person doesn't love you with all they have because they're not loving you the way you want them to? Or because they're not showing you in the right ways...does it mean they don't love you with all they have? Are you okay with that? Is that remotely fair?

Are you feeling neglected because you're so far away? Do they not think of you? Or are you just directing feelings of sympathy towards yourself? It's not fair. Love should be fair. Do you think they're trying hard enough through the trials and tribulations of a ldr? Sure they care. But do they care enough like they way you care about them? Are these questions ringing a familiar bell of the past? History does repeat itself...that's not okay.

So! I know it's finals, what the hell could I be doing on here! I just had to jot down a couple of memories before I forget them again. Jesse and I were talking the other day and we were trying to figure out the funny and weird things we do with each other. This one particular incident he said or did something and I literally laughed myself to tears. Unfortunately, we couldn't remember what was so funny. SO! I didn't want that to happen again. Forgetting happy moments is a sad thing.

So May 21st passed, it marked mine and Jesse's 3 year anniversary. It also marked Kim Doan's 23rd birthday, and Jenn and Philip's 1 year anniversary as well!! (I just recently figured that out haha). Jesse and I celebrated by going to Pampas in Palo Alto. Such a wonderful place if you love food and meat. We chose the Rodizio (sp?) which was about $44 a person and it came with unlimited side salad bar among other things like mashed potatoes, cheese, salami; I suppose just things you can eat with your meat. The cool part was the servers came around to your table with a certain cut of meat or a different meat all together and if you liked it then they would cut a slice for you. You had a little sign to tell them you're ready for more or if you'd like to take a little break. The meat dishes ranged from lamb (loved it!), pork loin, top sirloin, rib eye, chicken, skirt steak and tri tip. That's what we tried, there might have been more. Jesse LOVED the tri tip! Anyway, the bill blew me out of the water. I suppose it was due to the multiple Sangrias we ordered haha. What's a celebration without a little bit of alcohol! Anyway, there was a server that had lisp. I felt bad for giggling, but it was just SO OBVIOUS. I asked him what he was serving was grilled pineapple and he said it loud and clear, "Yeth!!" Haha, I guess it was one of those you-had-to-be-there moments. We headed home and yeah. I'll stop there. I fell asleep real quick when I got into bed.

This morning I woke up with the WORSE mid-back pain. I was horrified because I thought there was something really wrong with my kidneys because of all the red-meat, animal protein I ate last night at Pampas. My sister started researching on WebMd and we diagnosed myself with kidney stones, or a mild case at that. I was freaked out!! No health insurance coverage can make you feel like that. I wasn't worried about my health, I was worried about how I was going to pay for it. Fortunately, my mom being the calm and more logical person told me just to go to the chiropractor and see if it's just a pulled back muscle. And yes, it is! I'm still in pain. I'm wearing a back brace and doing back stretches every now and then. I missed my study group session for our final on Tuesday.

Talking about finals...yup, this Wednesday will be the end of Community College education for me. I'm starting a new chapter by the end of this summer and I'm excited for what's to come. I'm 95% SFSU right now, there are so many arrows pointing towards it. Lilly is there, which means I already have a set roommate and a person that I fully trust and grew up with during my childhood. I have Michelle's cousin who is ready to offer me a position at her Dental clinic, which gives me shadowing hours AND top-notch experience. I'm close to home - meaning good home-cooking and that I will be able to come home often or Jesse will be able to visit me more, little strain on the relatiopnship. Sigh...I guess we'll just have to wait for UCSB. I know I'd regret it if I didn't try though, so we'll see! I sent in my appeal last Friday and now the wait begins.

I'm going to go over my notes and a couple chapters now for Botany. Hopefully, I won't take too long until the next time I update. I need to do this more often. There are just too many good memories too forget.

OH YES! How can I forget about a drinking update!! I gave friends and family a good scare last weekend. Hahah, I'm sorry folks! I warned my sister too. I came home after taking my Chemistry final and was totally ecstatic because I did much better than I expected, so it was a given that I'd be in a very good mood. She told me to come with them to David and Michelle's house for a little get together because it was Danger's birthday. I specifically told her, "I don't know...I'm in a pretty good mood. And you know when I'm in a good mood the drinks keep coming!!" And she told me not to worry and that she'll keep an eye on me. So Jesse and I decided to go. I was doing just fine for the majority of the day and evening. However, Linda came and I kept drinking with her and then! I disappeared. As they re-told the story to me, I was laughing my butt off. Jesse ran frantically around the house saying, "OMG, where is An. Where is she!? Where did she go?" *Covers face* Right when my sister heard this, she jumped out of bed and was scared too, "WHERE'S AN!?" *peeks into bathroom* "Noooo!!" Everyone was talking at the same time, Jesse said, "Not again, I can't do this again. NO E.R! I don't have money for another hospital visit!" Cali told Galang, "Okay, I'll grab the bags and get the car" And they told D and all he did was shake his head with wide eyes. Ahahah, it was like every one already knew what steps to take because it has happened one too many times.

BUT I WAS OKAY! A little tired and thirsty, but good. No hospital.

:)

this is my last semester here at mission! woooot. let's just wait for those damn acceptance/rejection letters and see where i'll be this september. YEAH BABY! And guess how many units I'm taking this semester, 23. I'm m*therf***ing crazzzzzy! I know. Bring it on. I don't work anymore, I can do this. :) Maybe it's just wishful thinking. Oh well, but let me make this clear. It was never my intention to take this many units. I got screwed because they changed the major requirements for the biology sequences.

The bills keep stacking up. Thats what i get for sending my butt to the E.R TWICE in the time span of less than 3 months. I'm not an alcoholic, I swear. hahah, the Doc even said that I had a stomach virus when i went to the ER the second time. Yes, the first time was alcohol poisoning. Remind me please, if I ever drink with you and the drinks are constantly flowing throughout the day...please remind me to EAT and drink WATER. Oh yes and to take it easy when you're at a higher altitude, the drinks hit you faster :) See Jesse noticed that I end up getting hammered when he's not around. hahaha, I really don't know why that happens. It doesn't occur to me, I don't wait for me to leave and say, "oo, Jesse's gone. Time to drink" It's weird. I love him <3 :)

Damn, I need to go pee but I hate packing up my belongings to go to the bathroom and then only to unpack it again. I need to make more friends here so they can go with me to the library and watch my stuff when i need to pee. But of course not only for that reason...haha I would like to make life-long friends as well. hahah.. It sucks. I barely started making friends at mission this past semester and now I'm leaving to a new place in less than a year and have to start all over again. It's okay, I think I'm pretty friendly? I could be pretty lame though. Ugh. No fun..

I'm gonna be totally MIA this semester. No going out or anything! Except for of course Chinese New Years and my brother's housewarming. but besides that..i guess thats it. okay, must get ready to go to class after i eat my packed dinner :)

until next time.